Saturday, 28 August 2010

I've had a little bit of an accident

I haven’t got round to blogging about my stressful incident last week. Darlings, I was in a car crash. Shocking isn’t it? Don’t worry though, I’m okay.

For my last birthday Rock Star bought me a Range Rover. Don’t got me wrong, I love it but it’s huge sweetie. And sometimes when you’re driving a huge car it’s hard to judge how big it is. Most of the time I have a driver but now and again I like to drive myself somewhere.

Last week I drove Jagger down to Pineapple Dance Studios and watched his class. He was so wonderful I cried. Then it was time to drive back again and I was almost home when I had my crash. On my street the cars have to double park and it’s quite narrow driving through.

I was just chatting to Jagger about what a sweetie Louie Spence is when I saw my friend, S, driving towards me in her Jag. I’ll do anything for a friend, darling, so I decided to back into a space I’d just passed.

Well I don’t know what happened next. But suddenly a wall appeared, there was a terrible crunching noise and the tyres seemed to be driving over something. Well I started screaming, S started screaming and then the owner of the house came out and started screaming too. Mayhem sweetie.

I can’t begin to repeat what the owner of the house and garden wall said to me. Completely foul language darlings. And her biggest claim to fame was being on Strictly Come Dancing a number of years ago. I was shocked she could speak to me and S like that. So I’m like, “Darling, your wall pokes out more than the others so it was bound to get in the way of a car before long and no I’m not paying for it you **** **** of a **** ****.” I don’t like swearing in front of my children but on this occasion it was necessary. Then Jagger joined in the swearing and I had to clip him round the ear.

So my Range Rover has a dent in it sweetie. The garage is charging £450 to fix it. I don’t even want to think about the gorgeous shoes I could buy for that.

Thursday, 26 August 2010

How do you cope when your star has faded?

My gorgeous Rock Star is sad. He's sad most of the time darlings. It's because he was once someone who he's not any more. Yes he was an 80s pop star. He had it all. He was in a band, he was followed around by girls, he travelled the world, he had money in the bank and he could do what he wanted.

Then it turned a bit sour. Drink and drug problems, the band split and there was a court case over royalties (which he lost). Rock Star had to pay a big price for his 80s lifestyle.

But then he met me darlings! And my beautiful children Leaf and Jagger. And we went on to have two more: Gabriel and Tulip. We've had some happy times together.

Lately I've noticed Rock Star becoming distracted. He's forgetting simple things and I think he's having a sneaky drink here and there. I can see a dullness in his eyes. He talks a lot of the old days, of when he was somebody. And he's not that person any more. How do you cope when you've been so successful and you know you can't achieve that any more? That other people now have the success you once had? That you're on the pile of forgotten 80s pop stars?

I've told Rock Star he needs to find some inner fulfilment. But that doesn't work for him. He replies that Jon Bon Jovi is still popular so why can't he be?

I have no answer.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Lifestyle tips for busy mums: shopping

I hope you're ready for another instalment of my Lifestyle Tips sweet darlings. This week I'm discussing shopping. Clothes shopping and shoe shopping to be precise. I don't do any other shopping. Apart from buying a bit of art now and again.

DON'T shop with children. They wipe their greasy faces on Marc Jacobs shift dresses, pick diamantes off Jimmy Choo slingbacks and squirt Fruit Shoot on the floors of designer boutiques resulting in WAGs taking nasty tumbles. I've seen it happen sweetie. Leave children with the nanny.

Make sure shop assistants help you out. That's what they're there for. It's no use them gossiping about X Factor at the till while you're in the changing room needing to try on a different size. You're spending a huge amount of money in their shop so they should be running around for you. If the shop is likely to be busy, it may be worth phoning ahead to ask if they'll close it to other people for you.

Shopping can be exhausting darlings. Ensure you schedule in some regular breaks in gorgeous little coffee shops or find somewhere exquisite for lunch. Arrange to meet friends so you can show them what you bought. One of my favourite things about shopping is showing off my haul to a close girlfriend! Just love it sweetie.

And having written this I'm now itching to get down to Sloane Street as soon as the shops open tomorrow. I do hope you busy mums have found my tips helpful. Ciao for now lovelies! xxx


Thursday, 19 August 2010

The nanny's on holiday but I'm coping

My nanny went on holiday on Tuesday darlings. Such a strange day to go on holiday isn't it? A Tuesday. Anyways. Having resigned myself to no longer having a night nanny I decided I would risk it and be nanny-free for a week. I read blogs written by so many women who do this mummy stuff all by themselves. Hats off to you sweeties. Amazing stuff.

So on Tuesday I got the children up and gave them breakfast and Gabriel threw his bowl of Cheerios on the floor and I had to go outside to have a cigarette and calm down. Then I bribed them with biscuits and put them in front of the telly. My wonderfully gorgeous friend K (actress and organic farmer) rang and invited me to lunch and said her nanny could have my kids too for the day. Problem solved! So we had a lurrrvely long lunch and a sneaky little shopping expedition.

The evening was hard though. Somehow the nanny gets Gabriel and Tulip in bed by 7pm. But by 9pm they were still wide awake and Gabriel managed to cause some serious damage to our fireplace with his Ninky Nonk. Now it won't flame properly (this is the one we have). Rock Star went into one of his rages and had to be pushed out onto the terrace while I got the children to bed. Stress darlings.

Yesterday I was tired so I got an agency nanny in for the day. She took the children to London Zoo and I lay in bed with a migraine. Motherhood is hard work. But today I'm up early, raring to go and I've had lots of espressos. I will take the children out myself today darlings. Even if it kills me. That's a sacrifice for you. Mwah.

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Lifestyle tips for busy mums: air travel

Oh dear darlings, I've been a bit remiss with my Lifestyle Tips series. I don't believe I wrote one last week. So apologies to those of you who were waiting for my next piece of thoughtful advice. Your wait's over - here it is!

This piece of advice is inspired by my recent trip to New York. Air travel is a necessary part of modern life, it has to be endured sweetie. Flying with children is hard work. It's bad enough being confined with children in the space of your own home, but being stuck in a pressurised metal tube 30,000 feet in the air with children can be torture darlings. Here are my tips:
  • Although it can be tempting to watch the pennies and fly economy, believe me sweetie it's worth every extra penny to fly business class. More space is a godsend. Just a few extra quid and you make life so much easier for yourself
  • Take someone with you to watch the children. You need a break: time to watch a film, enjoy a drink, read a magazine or get a bit of shut-eye. Taking your nanny is an extra cost because you have to pay for her ticket and time, but it's worth it so she can keep an eye on the children while you enjoy your flight
  • A beauty bag in your hand luggage will help keep you refreshed on the flight. Personally I never fly without my Clarins Blue Orchid Oil. Make sure each bottle is under that amount of fluid you're allowed to take in your handluggage. Having your limited edition Commes des Garcons Daphne perfume confiscated from your vintage Louis Vuitton by a gruff, hairy airport security woman is painful darlings.
Well I hope you busy mums find this useful. Until next time gorgeous people! Ciao Ciao x

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Did I tell you I have a book deal? Introducing my book

I've been so busy the past few days and that's because I've had endless meetings with my ghost writer. I'm writing a book you see darlings and this ghost writer is helping me. As far as I'm concerned I don't need a ghost writer, I'm fully capable of writing it all myself. But I'm a busy lady and apparently the publisher wants this ghost writing woman to do it.

I can't concentrate when I'm meeting with ghost woman. I hate to say it sweetie but she's scruffy. There she is at my kitchen table talking about plotlines and all I can think about are her split ends which need trimming and the gorgeous acrylic nails she could cover up her bitten stumps with. And so little make-up. A woman of her age needs to make an effort. Make-up free at 19 is passable, at 29 it's dodgy and at 39 it's fatal. Don't even get me started on no make-up at 49 and beyond.

I've given ghost woman numerous make overs in my head during our sessions. Maybe I should be a stylist instead of a writer?

I know you're just desperate to know what my book's about so here's a taster sweetie. It's fiction but loosely based on aspects of my life: "Fi Fi is a beautiful actress with a terrible secret. She's torn between two men she truly loves: Fabio the singer and Benjamin the actor. Fi Fi has to navigate her way through the celebrity world never really knowing if anyone is who they claim to be. And there's a wealthy media mogul who seems to have it in for her. As she battles with negative media exposure, her lovers, a shoe addiction and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Fi Fi embarks on a path into her past which yields up a tragic family story which changes her life forever."

This is the blurb I've written myself. I don't need a scruffy ghost woman do I darlings?

Monday, 9 August 2010

I have to wear sensible shoes and it's the dog's fault

Well my lovelies I don't think I got round to explaining what happened to my dog while I was in New York. He went walkabout and no one seemed to notice he was missing for the first couple of days. Rock Star and Jagger made some half-hearted attempts to find him but it was down to me, when I was jetlagged, to finally track him down.

My dog is called Dolce and he's a labradoodle, I may have mentioned this before. He's gorgeous and cuddly and very stupid. Just like Rock Star really. I go for a certain type darlings. To cut an extremely long boring story short, I found Dolce living at the house of a former soap actor in a neighbouring street. The former soap actor seemed to be under the impression Jagger had loaned Dolce to him. I don't understand why. Anyway this former soap actor has been acting quite strangely ever since he was (prematurely in his view) written out of his soap. And because his character died there's no prospect of returning. Pesonally I think he's having a bit of a breakdown about it. But there was still no need to nick our dog.

It's quite clear Dolce doesn't consider me to be the one in charge. He doesn't think anyone's in charge and this is part of his problem according to my Dog Psychotherapist. She's suggested I start walking him myself instead of employing a dog walker. I really don't have the time, but I guess I'll do it if Dolce then realises I'm his pack leader.

But taking a dog for a walk means going for a proper walk. I don't have any shoes I can schlep around Primrose Hill in. So I've had to borrow the nanny's troggy Ugg boots. They're two sizes too big and I've had to disguise myself while wearing them because if any paps get a picture of me wearing them the papers would have a field day.

And I didn't realise stupid Ugg boots aren't waterproof. So I marched through a few puddles after we'd had those storms the other day and now they're ruined. The nanny was in tears. I gave her twenty quid to buy some new ones and she cried even more. Do you know why? The frigging ugly things cost 160 quid that's why! 160 quid!

Don't worry darlings, I've given her 160 quid. So hopefully she'll be happy again. But my sensible shoe problem remains unsolved. A friend has suggested Birkenstocks. I made a sign of the cross and ran away. I couldn't do it to myself, just couldn't do it sweetie.

Photo credit

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Paris Hilton's new best friend

Paris Hilton in South Africa for 2010 World CupPhotographer ex-Husband called me last night, "Have you seen who Leaf is hanging out with now?"
"Who darling?"
"Paris Hilton. There are photographs of them together in the VIP lounge of some club in LA,"
"So what do you want me to do it about it?" Well he launched into something about Paris Hilton being a bad influence and he didn't want Leaf having anything to do with her and that it was all going downhill from here and the next degenerate was likely to be Lynsey Lohan in which case he would be reporting me to Social Services. So I'm like, "Darling you're thoroughly stupid if you think Social Services would be the slightest bit interested in a twenty year old hanging out with wild child celebrities in LA."

Don't get me wrong, I do worry about my gorgeous Leaf. But she can look after herself and she needs to learn who the good people are to hang out with and who the bad ones are. And if I tell her not to do something she's going to do it all the more isn't she? Photographer ex-Husband doesn't understand this. He's never brought up any of his children, he usually deserts them in infanthood as he moves onto the next wife.

"I would be happier if she was living in this country where we can keep an eye on her. Why can't you introduce her to some more sensible celebrities like that girl off of Harry Potter who's just chopped all her hair off?" I told him the 'sensible' ones are usually the worst. I'm not implying Emma Watsername is one of these, but you just don't know.

I shall give my darling Leaf a ring tomorrow, I do miss her. And she's looking so thin these days. I know models have to be thin but sometimes it doesn't seem right. And I need to hear the latest goss on Paris too.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

A post in which I feel forced to be serious

There have been rumblings darlings, and not the sort which Deflatine can cure. No I'm talking rumblings about my blog. And they've come from different directions all at the same time so I'd like to make it clear I'm not pointing my finger (which is very well manicured at the moment by the way).

The mummy blogging community is a wonderful one where people are friendly and supportive. I'm finding it's also a community where a blog like mine can be viewed with suspicion.

Is my blog fact? Is it fiction? Is it a blurring of the two? I choose to let my readers decide. There have been suggestions that I'm unoriginal, unauthentic and on the make. Again I let my readers decide on those first two. And on the last point: 'on the make'? Seriously sweetie? If I were farming followers on twitter or had a big 'contact me here PRs' badge on my blog then possibly. But only possibly.

I'd like to assure anyone who's (unnecessarily) feeling threatened by my appearance that I harbour no ambitions. They're reserved for other parts of my life.

So it's with some trepidation I tread through your blogging community darlings. Thank you to everyone who reads and leaves gorgeous comments on my blog. And I've even been tagged with a meme! I read lots and lots of blogs but comment on few. I'm not sure how I'm received much of the time.

Why do I write this blog? Escapism. Oh and fun. I like to laugh. I almost forgot that in this uncharacteristically serious post.

My blog is a form of self-expression. Like everyone else's. If it's too different, or too similar, to other blogs out there well what can I say? I've written as me for a long time, just not in such an accessible online place before.

So I'll let you decide whether you want to read or not. I'm not forcing anyone to. People do read and that makes me feel warm inside. It's a nicer feeling than a glass of bubbly and that's saying something darlings.

Here are two actual facts about myself:
1. I'm a mother
2. I have feelings

If you have an opinion well that's wonderful and feel free to share it. Just please do it nicely, I may not be open about who I am but I do ask you to remember point two above.

I now feel the need to buy a very expensive handbag. Ciao ciao x

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Back home after a very stressful flight

I'm safely back home now darlings, but not without drama. As usual it was the nanny's fault. I kindly let London nanny and New York nanny have a night out last night (while I looked after my own children!). I reminded them that we were on the red eye back home so they shouldn't stay out too late.

Well they did. And they drank too much. I had to put London nanny under the shower and feed her espresso to sober her up for the flight. I'm not sure it worked and she spent most of the flight in the toilet. While I had to look after a nine month old and a three year old all on my own! It was awful darlings. Gabriel was running up and down the aisle while Tulip kept crawling under my seat. I couldn't read Tatler or have a drink in peace. At one point I hammering on the toilet door yelling at the nanny to come out and help me, but an air stewardess escorted me back to my seat and told me to calm down. The cheek.

The nanny is now in her bed and in my bad books. New York nanny is also in my bad books but she's about 5,000 miles away so can't annoy me at the moment.

Life's such a stress at times. I wanted to arrive back home cool, calm and collected for a romantic evening with Rock Star. Now that plan's gone tits up. And the dog's gone missing. I can hardly get a word out of Jagger as he's killing something on his X Box. I think he mentioned the dog was living with a neighbour but I don't know which one.

It's still nice to be back darlings.

Monday, 2 August 2010

The Gallery: playtime

I suppose I could write something about my children for The Gallery's Playtime theme this week. But I won't darlings, because my life is dominated enough by children so this post is going to be about me for a change. What's playtime for me? Shopping sweetie, did you guess?

My playground is King's Road and I have to visit at least once a week to splurge at Furla, Designers Guild, Anthropologie, Comptiors des Cottoniers, Molton Brown, Aftershock, Cath Kidston, All Saints, Space NK, Coccinelle, the list goes on. And not forgetting Peter Jones of course (the store not that dragon man, although his wife is lovely).

No trip to King's Road is ever complete without a long lunch at Benihana or a glass of something at Juju.

In fact writing about King's Road while in New York is making me feel homesick.

I'll be back home soon darlings.

Photo credit (because I've been to King's Road a million times but never took a photo of it)

Sunday, 1 August 2010

New York and a 'little' wedding

Manhattan truly is an Isle of Joy darlings. It was that good for Ella Fitzgerald so it's good enough for me too. I'm back in our apartment which overlooks Central Park. I got back from elsewhere in the state earlier today as I went to a little wedding yesterday sweetie. A bit of a famous wedding actually, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. I never name drop darlings so I can't tell you any more. But Chelsea did look absolutely gorgeous.

On Friday I decided to have a family day out in Manhattan. I took the nannies and the children shopping and then we had a stroll in Central Park. While I browsed the shoes in Saks an unpleasant odour filled the air. Gabriel was the first suspect so without a thought London nanny picked him and sniffed his bum. I shrieked in horror, "We're in Saks, Fifth Avenue, darling! You don't just pick up a toddler and sniff its arse!" I told her what an embarrassing disgrace she was and sent her off to change him. I had to comfort myself with a gorgeous pair of Jimmy Choos.

In the afternoon we had our Central Park stroll. All went smoothly until Gabriel ran off after some smelly mongrel dog. New York nanny gave chase only to twist her ankle and roll about wailing on the grass. Can you believe I had to half-carry half-drag New York nanny back to our apartment? More embarrassment. I even bumped into one of my extremely wealthy neighbours Dolores J Bruebaker (you may have heard of her) on the way. The shame. I don't expect any of this happens to Victoria Beckham.

But yesterday more than made up for Friday's stress. I do love a good wedding, it made me wonder if Rock Star and I should tie the knot after all.