Thursday, 29 July 2010

The not so huge revelation about my 14 year old

I'm off to New York later today, I can't wait darlings. I'm taking Gabriel and Tulip with me and the nanny. I also have a New York nanny so my London one can even take some time off and do a bit of shopping! I'm very generous like that.

Last night I had a frustrating conversation with Rock Star about Jagger. If you've read any previous posts you may remember that gorgeous Jagger is taking dance classes during the school holidays. All he wants to do is dance. And he's good at it sweetie, he loves to practise in our garden. His favourite at the moment is Modern and I love to stand on the terrace with a cigarette and watch him.

Well Rock Star was acting strangely most of yesterday and then in the evening he poured me a glass of my favourite bubbly and asked me to sit down. I didn't know what to expect, my first thought was that another love child had made itself known.

"I'm worried Jagger's gay," was all he said.
"Gay? He listens to Kylie, his hero's Louie Spence and his father's an actor. Of course he's gay darling, I've known it since he was five years old." Rock Star didn't seem too happy to hear this and suggested I could have told him earlier. So I said what was there to tell? He must know about these things because he was famous in the eighties when everyone was gay, they just pretended they weren't. Even Elton John and Freddie Mercury got married (not to each other), that's how much everyone was gay and pretended not to be.

So we then had an argument about who was gay in the eighties and who wasn't. I was willing to accept everyone in Spandau Ballet was straight but I was less sure about Duran Duran. But what upset Rock Star the most was my suggestion that he was probably a bit gay in the eighties too. What's his problem about being gay anyway? So we've now fallen out and it's probably just as well I'm off to New York for a break. Relationships are stressful aren't they darlings?

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

The Gallery: Nature

Well this Gallery theme has me stumped this week because I'm not a nature person. I like firm ground under my feet suitable for heels and a gorgeous delicatessen or wine bar on every corner.

The countryside is lovely for driving through, I can understand why people say it's pretty. But I visited once and that wasn't so pretty. Everything was a bit muddy and untidy. My heels sank into the ground and I got mud on my Armani swing coat. I was not a happy bunny. And the countryside gets smelly too doesn't it? All those cows and pigs and things.

I suppose you can find nature in your park and garden. I do like colourful flowers, they're good. But they attract bees and wasps and all sorts of buzzy things which I'm not so keen on. And I must have sweet blood because I get bitten by everything darlings.

Put simply, I'm not a nature fan. But I will make the best effort with the Gallery this week because there is a prize of Green & Black's chocolate. If I win I shall squirrel it away under my mattress where my personal trainer can't find it.

So I present to you my nature picture: flowers.

And these are the most perfect flowers. Pourquoi? Well they don't attract buzzy things and they don't need watering and they look beautiful forever. Yes darlings, they're fake!

Technorati claim


I have no idea what this is sweetie. Someone told me I should do it, so I've done it.

I'm now off to browse these shoes. Far more interesting. Ciao Ciao!

Monday, 26 July 2010

Who I'd put on the naughty step

I've been tagged with my first ever meme! Isn't that exciting sweetie? The gorgeously blooming Pants With Names has challenged me with who I'd put on the naughty step. I've given this a lot of thought.

It's not so much 'who' but 'what'. And do you know what I'd put on the naughty step? Calories darling.

They're so naughty aren't they? I know you need a certain number of calories each day, but why do they tend to congregate in all the foods I like? It simply isn't fair. I hate celery and that has hardly any calories in it. I'm sure you burn more calories chewing the stuff than it actually contains. But when it comes to yummy cake, bicuits, chocolate and champagne - well they're full of these hideous calories.

Why is it darlings? I remember my gardener once moaning that slugs never eat weeds. And it's sort of the same with calories being in the foods you like and not being in the foods you don't. As a result we all have to eat these horibble low calorie foods and restrict ourselves with the nice, yummy stuff. It's not fair is it lovelies?

And why do calories make you put on weight? Why can't they do something else instead? Like make your hair grow faster so you don't need extensions.

I simply hate the things, they behave like this just to make life difficult and for that reason calories are going on the naughty step until they can stop being in my chocolate muffins and glass of bubbly. I hope it works.

I'm going to tag the following glamorous bloggers with this meme:

Yummy Mummy No1 (she has a fantastic taste in handbags)
Sandy at Baby Baby
Nickie at Typecast (I've just discovered the #fridaytwiz!)
Tara at Sticky Fingers
Laura at Yummy Mummy Flabby Tummy (the only blog I've discovered so far which plays music!)

Friday, 23 July 2010

Lifestyle tips for busy mums: hiring staff

I'm continuing this series of helpful posts darlings. I hope you found last week's guide to the salon useful. This week I'm going to tackle an issue which many busy mothers have trouble with: staff.

I've lost count of the poor mummies I've chatted to on twitter recently about their lack of staff. Help is really important, I can't stress that enough. I have a nanny, a personal assistant, a cleaner, a cook and a driver to help me on a daily basis. I also draft in a personal trainer, stylist and beautician as and when. I also have an agent and a PR. The position of night nanny is currently vacant.

Now I realise I'm fairly priviliged. But I think that most households can accommodate staff if you adjust your budget accordingly.

Most people should be able to afford a cleaner. Around £10 an hour and mine does 15 hours a week. A cook and driver don't cost much more. Nannies only get paid about £30k but remember you'll need to pay national insurance on top of that and provide holiday, sick and maternity pay. If you're unsure then ask your accountant. Have I forgotten to add accountant to my list? You can pay a nanny less if she lives in with you and consider an au pair as a cheap option.

So if you need help, busy mum darlings, then have a little sit down with your calculator and see if you can afford to hire one or two people. It really does make a difference and we all need a little break and a rest don't we sweetie?

More advice from me next week!

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

The horrendous Christmas photoshoot

If you've read my blog lately gorgeous people then you'd have known I had a photoshoot yesterday. This was in my own home *horror* and had a Christmas theme because the magazines are all doing their Christmas issues at the moment. I know darlings, in July. Incredible isn't it?

So you might know that first of all my curtains and sofas got temporarily replaced. With something exciting? No. Just cream sofas and some burgundy velvet stuff for the windows. Then at 7am yesterday the photographer turned up with his assistant and lugged in huge amounts of equipment. Then the stylists turned up with suitcases of clothes, boxes of Christmas decorations and food and an enormous Christmas tree. A fake Christmas tree. I don't suppose anywhere has real Christmas trees ready at this time of year.

My poor home was unrecognisable as this team of people trudged through it setting everything up to look like Christmas. Then the stylist and make-up assistant started making me look like Christmas. I didn't like my Christmas look one little bit darling. The stylist had me in a scarlet cardigan. It wasn't even designer. After we'd done the shoot in the living room I looked at the pictures, "You've made me look like Lorraine Kelly," I seethed. I demanded a re-style but they wouldn't relent. They were on a one-day shoot and there was no time.

Then the caterers turned up and dropped a mozzarella and sundried tomato tart in the hallway as they came in. The photographer's assistant managed to step in it, "Sorry I just trod some flan into your carpet." Flan? Who says flan these days?

A large already cooked turkey was left in the kitchen for the Christmas feast shoot. No one had banked on Dolce our labradoodle getting hold of it. The food stylist nearly collapsed on my kitchen floor when he saw what had happened. There were actually tears in his eyes. After some work the turkey became a turkey crown although I think everyone was agreed it was not a classy look.

To be honest darlings, it got too much for me. My make-up was over the top because apparently you pile more on at Christmas, it aged me. My cardigan was depressing me and I was quite pleased when Tulip wiped her nose on it during a quick cuddle. I thought this meant I could finally take it off. "Don't worry about the snail trails, we'll photoshop them out," said the picture editor. Damn.

I took a brief break on my terrace to have a much needed cigarette. The lovely terrace which has a row of bay trees in terracotta pots along it. As I lit my cigarette and took a deep drag, something caught my eye. The photographer's assistant. Peeing into one of my bay tree pots. "Oi! What are you doing? That was a present from Alan Titchmarsh!" I screamed. He mumbled something about none of the toilets being free. I carried on screaming at him, probably something along the lines of what would he have done if he had needed a shit, etc. The photographer ran out and tried to calm things down.

By this point I wanted everyone out of my house. I ripped the scarlet Lorraine Kelly cardigan off and threw it at the Christmas tree. I ranted and raged for ten minutes. Then when I calmed down I put the cardigan back on, they re-did my make-up and hair and we shot the glass of champagne and fireplace pictures. After all, I am a professional darlings.

In the end it was as stressful as real Christmas. And I really can't be doing with two Christmases a year. Next time a magazine wants me for a Christmas issue I'll be otherwise engaged. Unless they pay me seven figures.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

The Gallery - a novel idea

That lovely Gallery thing is on again. I'm liking the Sticky Fingers blog more and more because it turns out that the lovely Tara and I share a love of Haribo and Monster Munch. Isn't that amazing darlings? This is why I love this blogging so much. I could never confess these things to my celeb friends.

I'm typing this during a break in the Christmas photoshoot in my house. I'll have to tell you all about it tomorrow, but in short, it's mayhem. The table is currently being laid for a Christmas feast shot but there's been a mishap with the turkey. And I can't tell you how much I've fallen out with the stylist over the horrible clothes he's making me wear. They age me darlings, it's terrible. I shall have a big moan about it all on my blog tomorrow.

Anyway sweetie, I have to find a picture which represents a book or novel. I confess to not being a huge reader myself so I had a look Jagger's bookcase and saw his Roald Dahl collection. Therefore I give you this picture.

My book choice represented by this picture? The Twits by Roald Dahl.

I have to confess darlings that I didn't take this picture myself. I found it here. I hope that doesn't disqualify me or anything. Oh must dash, my hair needs redoing. Ciao Ciao.

Monday, 19 July 2010

A cautionary blogging tale

Oh dear darlings, something terrible happened with my night nanny. You know I was thinking of firing her? Well she fired herself because she read my blog saying I was going to fire her. I think I must have left my blog post up on the laptop and she saw it. She shouldn't be looking at what's on my laptop but it's pointless worrying about that now because she's left.

So this is a cautionary tale to fellow bloggers. Always be careful what you write on your blog sweeties because you never know who might read it. My blog is anonymous but I suppose there was enough information for the night nanny to realise it was me. And it was on my laptop.

This is ultimately a good thing because what's the point in having a night nanny who falls asleep? However it means I need to find a new night nanny and in the meantime I have to get up at night if Tulip wakes! Last night she woke at 2am. It was horrendous darlings. She was crying about I don't know what and didn't go back to sleep until 2.20am. I'm so tired this morning I can't tell you.

So if anyone knows of a night nanny looking for work darlings then do let me know. And I have this big photoshoot at my house tomorrow for a Christmas feature. I'll look horrific and will be horrific if I don't get a proper night's sleep tonight.

Friday, 16 July 2010

Lifestyle tips for busy mums: the salon

I'm aware that I've been talking about myself a lot since I started this blog. And I feel I could provide more of a service to my readers. As a mother of four I know all about juggling a busy lifestyle and looking after children. So each week I will impart some of my lifestyle tips to help mums make time for themselves and generally feel better about their life.

This week sweeties I shall discuss 'the salon'.

It's important to get to the salon at least once a week. It keeps you looking good and it gives you a break from the children. I use the salon for facials, eyebrow shaping, eyelash tinting and extensions, waxing, manicures, pedicures, spray tanning, massage and getting my hair styled and coloured. Sometimes I just book in for just a blow dry. Just anything darling.

I love that 'just stepped out of the salon' feeling. Sometimes I stay several hours and have a whole range of treatments. I have my chosen beauticians and hair stylists who know how I want to look. Occasionally I can't be bothered to drive to the salon so if I pay extra they come to my house.

I hope this post is useful busy mums! There will be more advice next week! Ciao ciao and mwah x

Thursday, 15 July 2010

My hands-on day with the children

I feel I may have been a bit mean to my nanny recently so yesterday I said, "Sweetie, take the morning off. I'll look after the children." She looked reluctant to start with but I managed to shove her dreadful Ugg boots on her and kick her out of the door.

I've heard CBeebies is good for entertaining children so I got that on the telly after phoning the nanny to find out what channel it was on (614 on Sky if you ever need to know darlings). So Gabriel watched some strange Mr Bumble or Mr Wumble character while Tulip crawled about and tried to eat the dog food. You can't take your eye off them for two minutes can you darling? Well I did that actually and then had to remove one of Dolce's Bonios from her mouth (Dolce is our labradoodle).

The doctor told me that dog food can't poison babies so that was a huge relief. Then as soon as I got off the phone my agent rang and Gabriel chose that moment to cling to my legs and wail for food. Then Tulip started crying too and I didn't know what that was about. After a difficult phone call in which I probably agreed to some obscure television appearance, I managed to keep the children quiet with a packet of Oreos.

After the biscuits the children still seemed to be hungry so I found the freezer and managed to put some fish fingers under the grill. As I did so my bestest friend, Sooks, rang to say she was in Harvey Nicks and had just spotted the Givenchy studded Lalia Bugatti bag. Squeeee! Without a moment to spare I rang the nanny and ordered her back home so I could dash off to Knightsbridge.

The fish fingers burnt in that time and some alarms got set off. Luckily the nanny knew how to turn them off again. She then told me that nearly nine month old babies don't normally eat fish fingers and that there are pots of organic baby food in the cupboard. So I told her I ate fish fingers as a baby and they never did me any harm and stormed off to buy my arm candy as a treat. Why do people think they know your own children better than you?

So I'm now the proud owner of this bag. But I deserve it because it was a TOUGH DAY darlings, and Jagger wasn't even there he'd stayed over at his friend's house - the son of an 80s band keyboard player. Not as successful as Rock Star was, but quite nice all the same.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

How do I fire the night nanny? And Christmas comes early

Time for an update on the night nanny situation. After she fell asleep during the night last week and I had to deal with the baby myself, I swore I would fire her if she did it again.

Well last night the night nanny fell asleep again. Tulip was wailing at 4am and night nanny slept through it. Her room is right next to Tulip's! Mine is at the far end of the corridor! Unbelievable. So I've decided the night nanny needs to be fired now. But if I do it now she'll leave and then I'll have no nanny at night. This means I have to secretly recruit a new night nanny before firing the old one. It gets sooo complicated. You mummies without staff: I envy you at times like this, sweetie, I really do. I need a manager to manage my staff.

I've told Rock Star we need a holiday. I want to go to our house near St Tropez but apparently it's got some well-known actor staying in it at the moment recovering from a spell in rehab. I asked Rock Star when we could kick him out but it's still early days at the moment. Looks like our holiday will have to wait a while.

Oh and I'm getting the house ready for a photo shoot next week. It's going to be a Christmas one! So funny darling. Magazines plan that far ahead. Although I've already fallen out with the Picture Editor who came round yesterday. She wants to change the sofas and curtains! Apparently our vintage Chesterfields might look a bit 'scruffy' on the pictures. Can you believe it? I'm so offended because my curtains are the same ones Jerry Hall has. My interior designer is going to be gutted when he hears about this.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

My 14 year old has corrupted my 3 year old

Jagger has finished school for the holidays now. He wants to be a dancer. Ever since watching Pineapple Dance Studios his idol has become Louie Spence. Jagger is desperate to be the next Louie. And I'm supportive of that. I'm going to look into some dance classes for him over the summer holidays.

Rock Star isn't happy about Jagger's need to dance. He says he should be getting qualifications. So I'm like, "Darling, he's only fourteen. He'll get some qualifications when he's sixteen." Rock Star argued with me so I shut him up by telling him he didn't have any qualifications anyway so what does he know. And I reminded Rock Star that Jagger isn't even his son. Jagger's father is Ex Husband Actor and he takes no interest in what he does. As usual the responsibility is on my shoulders. No wonder I smoke too much.

Anyway, Jagger is now home all the time. I returned from the salon yesterday afternoon to find the nanny and Tulip asleep on the sofa. And Jagger was playing some violent game on his X-Box while Gabriel watched! Let me remind you Gabriel is only three. So I confiscated the game Total Battling War Shotguns or similar and Jagger is now banned from playing his X-Box. The nanny got torn off a strip for falling asleep while on duty. The second I'm out of the house it all falls apart. Gabriel spent the rest of the day storming around the house with one of my Manolo Blahniks pretending to shoot the dog. The child is disturbed for life now.

And if that wasn't stressful enough, I'm not happy with my new hair colour. It's too caramely. This always happens when Marco the senior colourist isn't around.

Monday, 12 July 2010

The Gallery - can you tell what it is?

I've been reading some blogs and have discovered some fabulous ones out there. Some of them are even written by real mums. And one or two of these mums don't appear to have nannies or helpers. How do they find the time? I hardly find the time with people helping me out. Although I do spend a lot of time having to manage the people who supposedly help.

There's a gorgeous blog called Sticky Fingers which runs something called The Gallery where you put a photo on your blog and do some linking thing. I take it Sticky Fingers is something to do with the Rolling Stones? I must discuss this with the blogger who writes it, Jerry Hall and Jo Wood are such wonderful friends of mine.

Anyway the theme of The Gallery this week is Can You Tell What It Is Yet? Inspired by Rolf Harris. I once met him at an awards ceremony, I pride myself on my rendition of Two Little Boys but he didn't seem to like it. Mind you, it was the rude version which I made up with Graham Norton one evening. Maybe Rolf doesn't like his songs being bastardised?

Anyway, in my best breathy, bearded Aussie accent: "Can you tell what it is yet?"

So what do I do now? Do I tell you what it is darling or does it stay a secret?

Saturday, 10 July 2010

A medical emergency caused by lipstick

What a stressful morning. Tulip has started doing that crawling thing now. The nanny took her eye off her for a few minutes and during that time Tulip raided my vintage Gucci bag I'd left in the hallway.

When I found her Tulip had smeared my Tom Ford Cherry Lush lipstick all over her face. But more worringly the tube was empty. I called the doctor and screamed at him to come out, "My baby's eaten my lipstick!"

He told me she would be fine and to keep an eye on her. So I yelled at the nanny for letting Tulip get into my bag and eat a lipstick I'd only bought last week in New York and which cost $45. I called the doctor back and said if Tulip took a turn for the worse I would hold him responsible for not coming out and seeing her.

I then took to my bed and the nanny came up to tell me she'd found the rest of the lipstick in one of her Ugg boots. So I yelled at her again asking why was she wearing Ugg boots in 30 degrees heat anyway? She said that's why she took them off.

Give me strength.

Friday, 9 July 2010

I've put my foot down with my personal trainer

So I'm meant to be doing some diet and fitness programme with my personal trainer, J. But I'm not into it. I started out with good intentions and I'm meant to be following some diet as well. To be honest it's boooooring.

J has been coming round every morning at 9.30 for training. The other morning I couldn't be arsed so I texted him to say I was ill. Turns out he didn't get the text and turned up anyway. So there I was in bed having a fag and an espresso when J walked in! The dippy nanny had answered the door to him.

I'm not meant to be having fags or caffeine at the moment, J was not happy. I told him that I'd had enough of the stupid fitness programme and that I didn't want a wheatgrass smoothie instead of breakfast any more. And that I can't give up fags because I like them too much.

So J's gone off to design a new programme for me. Yaaawn. Apparently it's the same one he did for Sienna Miller.

Rock Star came home with a pile of Baby Dior for Tulip. He's such a good daddy. I've had the nanny put her in three outfits already today!

Thursday, 8 July 2010

The difficult men in my life

The other evening Rock Star and I went to a glamorous little soiree. But it was ruined slightly when Ex-Husband Photographer rang while we were in the car there.

Apparently Ex-Husband Photographer is concerned that our daughter, Leaf, is becoming wayward. He cited some photos he'd seen of her spilling out of an LA club in a flimsy dress. He started questioning my parenting. So I'm like, "Darling, she's twenty years old and she moved out from under my roof six months ago. She has her own career and her own life now,"

He's like, "She's still only young,"
"Sweetie, when I was her age you ran off to France with that ginger-haired model leaving me in London with our one year old baby,"
"You always have to bring that up each time don't you? I'm worried Leaf is taking drugs,"
"Honey, I've told her all about drugs. She knows not to do drugs. One look at Rock Star is a reminder to her not to do drugs."

So if it wasn't bad enough with Ex-Husband Photographer having a go at me, Rock Star was then in a strop with me all evening too. Apparently I shouldn't have mentioned the drugs. But his drink and drugs hell is well documented, he makes most of his money these days from his 'to hell and back' story. How come I'm not allowed to mention it all of a sudden?

Gabriel said "Louboutin" yesterday. So cute!

Problems with the night nanny

Okay so we have a problem with the night nanny. She keeps falling asleep. We employed her to get up with Tulip when wakes in the night. I can't do it myself, if I sleep badly things gets MESSY let me tell you.

Anyway last night we were woken up by Tulip crying at 3.30am. I expected the night nanny to see to her but the crying went on. So I had to get up and walk down the corridor myself. Night nanny's door was shut so I had to go and get Tulip from her cot and I hammered on night nanny's door like you wouldn't believe. So eventually she opened it and and I'm like, "Darling, did you not hear the baby?" I thrust Tulip into her arms and stormed off. I didn't back to sleep until 4am, it was horrendous.

I was not a happy bunny this morning. It took three cups of espresso to wake me up and even then I had to go back to bed mid-morning. I have a photo shoot tomorrow and I do not want massive great bags under my eyes again. No siree.

So the night nanny has one last chance, if she falls asleep again tonight and Tulip wakes up there can only be one course of action.

Meanwhile I soooooo want these shoes, they're delish.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Introduction: moi

Okay so where to start? Well first off I'm majorly jet-lagged. Got back from NYC earlier today. We were there as Rock Star (my OH) had some business. I took Gabriel (3) and Tulip (8 months) and our nanny. Tulip cried on the plane all the way home. Nightmare. I asked the nanny to walk around with her in economy for a bit as it was doing my head in.

But I should be telling you about myself! Here goes. I was a child actress and then did a bit of singing in my late teens / early twenties. I got disastrously married to a photographer at 18 and had my daughter, Leaf. She's now 20 and does a bit of modelling. I carried on with the acting and singing and did a bit of modelling too. Then I met actor husband and had Jagger, he's 14. That marriage went down the pan. After a few more years I totally fell in love with Rock Star. He was in a band in the 1980s and is now a music producer. Together we have Gabriel and Tulip.

I swear I'll never marry Rock Star. He's the most adorable love of my life and I think a wedding might put a curse on us. Done it twice, don't want to do it again thank you darling.

So why have I started this blog? Well sometimes you can get a bit bored of people knowing who you are. Sometimes I crave that anonymity. Sometimes I just want to be like a 'normal' mum.

Oh there goes, going to click 'publish' now. Hoping some gorgeous gorgeous people will come and read what I've written! Mwah.